Keeping The Faith!
Rapping with the Supreme Being, by Todd Kelley

Are you there God? It’s me, the Big La!!! If so, could you spare some time out of your busy schedule and speak with me for couple minutes? I ‘ve got a few things on my mind and you’re the only person who can satisfy my curiosity. I was gonna write to you earlier, but, as you know it’s ‘Transsexual Week’ on Springer, and Stefano’s up to his old tricks on “Days of Our Lives” (I think unemployment is getting to me. Please help me find another job).

But seriously, I have a few things I need to get off my chest. Now, I know what you’re thinking: I want to know ‘the nature of life and the universe’ and crap like that. But I’m sure you get asked that all the time. I don’t need to know the answers to the cosmos. I’m one of the goods ones (see the halo over my head?).

Anyway, I just wanted to clear the air. Since you see and know all, I’m sure you’ve been noticing me asking more than a few question concerning faith and religion. I know you’ve seen me p*** [DIVINE CENSORSHIP] a few people off by challenging their faith and their definition of your ‘will’. Honestly, it isn’t that I’m trying to swerve your followers, or spin some blasphemous scene. It’s just some of your ‘ELECTED OFFICIALS’ tend to send conflicting signals, which doesn’t sit well with the population, at large.

Our Topic Tonight: Faith And Religion

What’s the deal, man? Why are we turning something that’s suppose to be the light of our existence, into something horrible? I mean, nearly ALL historical atrocities have been committed in your name! Now, I know this isn’t your fault. All of us down here, we have an uncanny ability to twist your teachings around the fit our own reasoning. The Jewish Holocaust, The American Slave Trade, the ongoing Holy Wars, etc… They’ve all found justification within religious scriptures. My guess is that the writings are so vague/cryptic, that it’s easy to twist the words for your own purposes.

Do you remember the argument I had with Pastor Michaels (not his real name) about 5 years ago? You know, that guy who use to chastise poor parishioners for not giving money to the Church, while he was driving a new Caddy, and wearing ice on this fingers? I mean, how can you tell people you’d rather have their families go hungry, cause they need to fill the collection plate! Wait, I’m getting sidetracked…

Here’s how it went down…. I flew home to L.A. for the X-Mas holiday, and the good Pastor decided to stop by and say ‘whatup’ to the folks (and get some good home cookin’). And you know, I was polite! I didn’t have any beef with him… at first. That was, until he started asking why I wasn’t in Church on Sunday with the family (the day before). I told him I had flown in that morning and was pretty tired. At that point, he decided to flex his ‘divine’ authority and scold me. “No one should be too tire to praise the Lord!” Now, at that moment, I started to laugh. And believe me God, I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful. But at that moment, he reminded me of that reverend cat that Arsenio Hall played in Coming to America. You know: “Give it up for Sexual Chocolate!!! SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!!!” Well, an argument ensued, which culminated in him, saying I wasn’t a true Baptsist: that I didn’t believe in God.

At this point, I was extremely p***ed [DIVINE CENSORSHIP] off, but I couldn’t figure out why. I didn’t really care what he thought, but his words still touched a nerve for some reason. I came to realize that he was right… to a point! I wasn’t a true Baptist. Sure, I was baptized, but only because my mother insisted on it. In a way, that made me feel ashamed. I wasn’t giving myself fully to the religion (notice i didn’t say ‘to you’). I was just being a good son for my mother. Because I did (and still do) believe in you! Honest! I just don’t agree with everything that’s being done in your name!

Sundays and Church (at least where I’m from) didn’t do anything to re-affirm my faith, either.

In theory, it’s suppose to be the time a community comes together to share and reinforce their religious beliefs. In reality, it’s a showcase for new clothes, and gossip. I’m tellin’ you, if you want to hear a slew of foul-mouthed people talking about ‘who’s sleeping with who’, you just need to find the church ‘AFTER PARTY’. You know, the place where everyone hangs out after church? Take my word for it, It’s not a sacred place… but, I have to admit the food is usually good.

With me, it comes down to this: I don’t believe that the mysteries of life and existence were a cosmic accident. There’s just too much going on to believe it ‘just happened…’ I know there’s a God. Lord knows you’ve saved my a** [DIVINE CENSORSHIP] more than once. But religion seems to be a way of separating humanity’s connection to you. In essence, we are conditioned to abandoned our relationship/connection with you, and instead place our faith in a moderator, or middleman with a collar on.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying all your employees are bad. I recognize that Reverends, Pastors, Cardinals and Popes are just ‘people’, and ‘people’ make mistakes. But I have to tell you man, the Jerry Farwells, Jim Bakkers and Jimmy Swaggarts make it hard to follow your teachings.

Where are the good ones? And more importantly, why aren’t they visible?

And while we’re on the subject, what is the TRUE religion? If i pick the wrong one, what happens? It’s another thing that drives me crazy!!!!

What it all comes down to, is that I can say without a doubt, that I have faith in YOU. My whole belief structure is built around your existence. I think our basic need to be good people is your influence. I think our fundamental faith in humanity, and the need to improve ourselves is your influence. Whether that takes the form of a Jesus Christ, Allah, Buddha, etc., or the perception of a living consciousness guiding our destiny, you have to exist.

Because if you don’t… what’s the point of living, right?

Well, I know I’m lulling you to sleep with all this, so I’m gonna sign out now. I may need to speak with you again from time to time, if you don’t mind. Good night, God.

Oh, and P.S. :

Thank you for creating Jennifer Lopez, Tyra Banks and Alyssa Milano

And the St. Louis Rams? Great job!!!! In my opinion, your greatest miracle yet!